a miscarriage that happens naturally
in the first twenty weeks of pregnancy.
when the first pink drop
no who are we kidding
red crumpled valentine
smell of waxy crayons
held in a tiny clenched
fist the color of a baby’s
first cry a mother’s
anguished scream hits
water suck in a breath
hold it wait pray
there is no second drop
but of course there is.
when the third fourth
stop counting don’t
look wipe flush shut
off the lights climb back
into bed place a pillow
under your knees ask
forgiveness promise
anything anything if
only the bleeding will
end
but of course it doesn’t.
when cramps move in
turbulent waves call
for help call him
at work to come home
beg him not to say
stupid things like
you’re not pregnant
oh who the hell cares
what he says
but of course you do.
when wheeled into surgery
jello clots escape stain
white gurney sheets a
murder scene stabbing
pain contractions steal
sanity dreams of a little
boy who plays with toy
trucks on a living room
rug whisper in his ear
wait
but of course he doesn’t.
when rolled onto your
side for the epidural
that never numbs roll
back place feet in metal
stirrups legs spread
open the scrape
suction vagina weeps
for what is left of him
tiny sweaters booties
diapers blankets
teddy bears maternity
clothes a crib still in
its box bought too
early feel it all slip
out caught in a paper
lunch bag that you reach
out to hold cradle
against your breast
but of course you can’t.
when the nurse squeezes
a shoulder says things
like you’re young and
can have another it’s
okay to be angry break
waxy crayons in a
clenched fist crumple
valentines never
delivered to give
a mother’s anguished
scream instead of
crying for the child that’s
lost
but of course you will.
Nancy Beauregard lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico, with her daughter and two feisty Maine Coon cats. She holds a BFA in Creative Writing from the Institute of American Indian Arts and is presently working towards her MFA in poetry at Western Colorado University. She has won several accolades and scholarships for her creative writing. Her work has appeared in the Santa Fe Literary Review, Sky Island Journal, Earthsigns, The Great Isolation, the Student Tribal College Journal, Contemporary Haibun Online, and in her poetry chapbook titled, I Heard a Train. Instagram: @murderedinanovel
Photo by Karl Boerre Frydenlund from Pexels